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  • Ethical Aspects of Animal Husbandry
    Ethical Aspects of Animal Husbandry
    by Craig Terlson

    A collection of short stories where the humour runs dark and the slipstream bubbles up.

     

    ...imagine if Raymond Carver called up George Saunders and Joe Lansdale, and they all went drinking with Neil Gaiman.

  • Correction Line
    Correction Line
    by Craig Terlson

    “… it's clear that Terlson is way ahead of the curve in terms of crafting an engaging premise that reaches for elevated territory and reinvents enduring archetypes of action and suspense.”  J. Schoenfelder


    "Sometimes brutal, often demanding and always complex, this novel will repay the reader who likes their assumptions challenged and is happy to walk away from a book with minor questions unanswered but the big ones definitely dealt with! It’s likely to satisfy those who enjoy Hammet and/or Philip K Dick and who like their fiction very noir indeed."   Kay Sexton

     

    "I love a novel that you can't put down, and this is one of them."  L. Cihlar

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Friday
Aug312012

Bent Highway: Chapter Seven

Mezcal

“Under seat.”

Walt’s voice dipped down and warbled like he was going over those bumps in the highway that warn you that you’re drifting into the ditch.

“Look,” he said.

I reached under and pulled out a dusty bottle, no label, just some yellowish liquid. Oh yeah, and the worm curled up at the bottom.

“Mezcal.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard of it. You don’t expect me to—”

“Drink.”

We hit a real bump on the highway and the bottle leapt out of my hand. I grabbed it before it flew into the front seat and nailed the dog creature. I spun off the top. The fumes ground out the sides of my nostrils and ended up somewhere behind my eyes.

“Understand.”

A piss shiver ran through me as I tipped it back and took a long swallow. To say it burned would not give enough credit – more like tore down my throat and incinerated everything left behind. Not bad. I had another long pull, letting the worm float toward my tongue, its bumpy exoskeleton banged against the sides. I swallowed and watched it float back to the bottom. 

The road became smooth. It didn’t even feel like we were driving any more. Telephone poles whipped by, and then slowed down enough to notice small black birds balanced on the wires, and then sped up again.

“It’s called squeeze-time.”

I gave my head a shake. It was a different voice. Shit, did the dog just say something?

“Things will speed up and slow down. It can be hard on the head.”

I leaned forward, blood rushed through my head, and fell back into my chair.

“Say Walt – your crazy hooch is making the dog talk.”

“A long rip on this part of the road. We’re riding it.”

“Whatever. Bow-wow.” My voice was slurred. I felt like a sixteen year-old on his first drunk. How had that happened that fast? I closed my eyes. “Hey Walt, ask the dog why his kind hates cats so much.”

A low chuckle.

“Sound will change on you too. Hard to pinpoint the source. Waves echo and bounce along a rip – but only when you are in tune.”

I opened an eye and saw Walt’s lips moving, but not quite in sync with what he just said.

“How come your voice is different? And this is the most I’ve heard you say at once.” I sat up, pushed the heels of my hands against my temples. “Shit. You were going to tell me what just happened.” A car whipped past us going the other way, faster than a car should be able to go. “The guys in the hats. What was their deal?”

“You are hearing all of what I say now. Only now, and on this part of the rip. You went down twice. It happens.”

“Down? Wait, it’s filling in now. We were in that bar, me and her. And someone was coming at me. It was you – coming from across the room.”

“It happens near rips. That’s how I first found them.” Walt reached across and stroked the dog/wolf’s head.

His words were matching his lips now, though the voice was different than the times before.

“He doesn’t talk does he?”

“Not usually.”

My own voice had straightened out. Fastest drunk I’ve ever had.

“What happens by the rips?”

“Aggression. Sometimes just people with bad tempers, arguments. Sometimes worse.”

“How worse?” 

“I had to get you out of there. It wouldn’t have been good. She shouldn’t have taken you there.”

Her white face drifted through my mind.

“Where is she now?”

“Not sure. She didn’t follow.”

I spun off the cap of the bottle without thinking and took a couple of swigs. I was either getting used to the fire, or all my nerve endings were fried.

“What the deal with the booze?”

“It fills in some things.”

“What was that thing you said? It repeats in my head once in awhile.”

"You straddle the line, your body, your blood, needs to be in both places.”

Something tugged in the back of my brain, it was stronger than deja vu, I pictured myself at a bar, a line of glasses, and Walt repeating what he had just said. Outside my window a tall white globe rose on the horizon. At first I thought it was the sun, or maybe the moon. The sky was darkening. The letters formed into Texaco.

“You’ve told me all this before.”

“The memory gaps will start to fade, but they won’t be gone completely. You’re not made that way. None of us are.”

Walt pulled our car into the gas station. A long sedan was pulled up next to one of the pumps, and a bright yellow Charger was next to that. I didn’t know much about cars, except Chargers. I’d always wanted one.

“Wait a sec. Those fedora guys. Where – when were they from?”

“Can’t really identify years on the highway, maybe the 40’s.”

I pointed outside.

“74 Charger. Last of the great muscle cars. I always wanted one too,” Walt said.

“How do you—” I answered my own question in my head.

We pulled in behind the Charger and the dog let out a half-growl, half-bark, half-voice from the deep. I cranked my window down and poked my head out to get a better look at the vintage car. Though, I guess wherever, shit, whenever we were it wasn’t an old car.

I damn near decapitated myself on the window when Walt slammed it into reverse, spun into a two point turn. A blast echoed off the back of the car. The right tailfin, the one near just ahead of where my head used to be, disappeared. I looked out the front windshield and saw the guy in the Nascar hat, wife beater, and black levis pump the shotgun and level it square with Walt’s forehead.

Damn if time didn’t stand still.

And I don’t mean it felt like it.

It did.

Then like someone released the pause button, there was a squeal of tires and Walt gunned it right toward the guy pointing the double barrel. He fired and I swore I saw every pellet zipping through the air. I waited for the windshield to explode, followed by Walt’s head, then mine.

And waited.

What the hell?

The car swung out in a long arc and I watched the pellets float by. Walt reached across in front of the dog, still cranking the wheel, popped open the passenger door and clipped Mr. Nascar. He spun around like a pissed off ferret, the gun flew out from his reach and he hit the ground. The gun went off again when it hit, but I couldn’t see where the blast went.

“Damn. Knew I knew that car.”

Again I found myself peering out the back window and watching a scene of two people exiting the Charger and bending over the guy on the ground. His neck was bent at an angle that necks shouldn’t go.

“How could you know them?” I studied Walt’s face, deep lines from his eyes led into the corners of his mouth. He was the type of guy where you didn’t know if he was a hard-living forty, or a fit sixty… or a two hundred year old fucking druid. No idea. He seemed taller outside, if that was possible. Behind the wheel he still looked like a big guy, but outside when he took on the fedoras he was massive.

When he didn’t answer, I asked him again. “You mean from before?”

“I’ve met a few others like them on the highway.”

“Others? Wait – why are you doing it? Why are they…who are—”

Questions knocked against the inside of my skull as I tried to take in what Walt had been telling me. Somehow this highway, and maybe others had places, rips, that led to another time. Einstein aside – could I even be thinking this? Outside it had become too dark too fast.

My head swam, and in a weird way I felt the effects of the mezcal seep into me again. I figured what the hell and grabbed the bottle. I took a long swallow and let the worm bob against my tongue. Then I swallowed the fucker.

I didn’t do it as some macho thing. Walt had slammed on the brakes, skidding to a stop next to a lone hitchhiker. The headlights lit a white face glowing against a black leather jacket. The dog gave a soft bark. I slid over in the seat as she joined me. She took the bottle from my hand.

“Buy me a drink?”

 

 

Tuesday
Aug282012

So how did that free thing go?

 

"Soooo, Jimmy, how did your free day go?"

"It was swell!"

Not sure why I picture myself as a Leave it to Beaver era paperboy when I think of things like "Free Day", but there you go.

Last Friday was my first foray into the land of the free via the Kindle Select Program (KDP). I really had no idea what to expect. I read a lot of discussion forums, and blog posts, and online articles about publishing, and I have learned one simple thing:

No one agrees.

There you go - simple, profound, you can take it to the bank. You are welcome.


I have seen KDP posed as the savior of the author (and the publishing industry in general) - and just as many times heard it referred to as the spawn of the devil, the root of all general badness in the world, and just plain icky. How can Amazon demand exclusivity?!!! I want to be free to sell my books anywhere and anyhow and to anywho in whoville that's who.

I digress. In a Seussian fashion.

So I thought, what the hell, I'll give it a shot. I signed up and in 90 days, I can cancel and go onto Smashwords, or ibooks, or selling copies out of my van at the Walmart. My choice. All the gnashing of teeth and minds over something that the author can simply cancel. Go figure.

I knew that I couldn't just throw it up for free (not going to add a drinking story here) and do nothing else. So I shouted about it on twitter and facebook, and a couple other places I hang out. Kind of last minute, I found some places where I could advertise the upcoming free day. I knew that next time, I needed to give it a bit more forethought - but like I said, what the hell, it's free, give it a shot.

"Then what happened, Jimmy?"

"Well, I went to bed."

The KDP free days start at midnight PST - and since I can see no oceans for a few thousand miles, kilometres, or cubits (I always forget) - I knew it was a helluva lot later here. I tried to stay up, but a few martinis, some reruns on the Food Network, and several pages of reading, and zzzzz. 

Next morning, I checked the numbers. Warning - this is a harbinger of things to come. Side note - how cool is the word, harbinger? Even if I used it redunandtly. Anyway, the number thing...

I expected to see maybe 1 download, I'd be happy with several, ecstatic with more than ten. I saw the number, 40. Whoa. That's something - I better keep an "eye" on this. (harbinger alert).

 

Over my morning yoghurt and hi-test brew, the numbers started clicking. I mean, I didn't have an odometer setting on the KDP, but let's just say I started to check a little more often. By 9:00 am, I had a 100. Most were in North America, but hey some in the UK, and even one fom Italy. Now that's cool - the book is really out there. I phoned the wife, and said, hey, guess what?

That's when I noticed the little numbers showing the ranking of the book in the literary category, and the suspense category. You can pick two categories for your book. Hmm, I was like in the top 500 (or something), wonder if I could go higher than that?

Rather than draw out this already too long of a tale - it was a crazy roller coaster of a day. Yes, I did get a bit addicted to those numbers (no, I didn't shake if I waited too long between checking - well, not too many times). But here was the thing: every download was a new reader (or a new potential reader - as I know some will download anything and everything that is free. And then never read it.)

I didn't care that the books were going out free. I became a writer to be read (well, and to feed my soul, which without trying to be all spacey and crystal-like, it does). The side-buzz was watching it climbing the charts. It hit top 100 in Literary and then in Suspense. So I made it to the pages of top free downloads.

I tweeted like a madman that day - caught in the frenzy - and threw "soft marketing" right out the fucking door. Hey - you want a book? - it's free! Go get it! Aiieee!

And as if throwing a good juicy chop to a pack of wild Bichons - after I tweeted, the numbers started coming in quicker.

At the end of it - and I stayed up right until the end, 2:00 AM my time. I hit just over 800 downloads, peaked at #16 in literary and #17 in suspense. I made it to the first page of the free downloads for those categories. And also to the first page of a advertising site for free promos (which brought the book up the charts based on how many views the ad had.) I also found the book mentioned on some forums - and some well known writer friends were nice enough to tweet about it. (Thank you NYT best selling author, Lisa McMann!) I even scored a retweet from one of my writing heroes Joe Lansdale. I tried to get George Strombolopolous to tweet about it, but he didn't bite.

"Well what now, Jimmy? How do you feel?"

Invariably, after the high of free day - I came down. Not too hard, though. After your free promotion is done, you do disappear from those charts. And the numbers sloooooow right down. Stop actually.

But the book is out there. Add to that, the druid-like mysticism of Amazon's popularity ranking (and "People who bought this also bought..." feature) and I have heard that the free day promo has an effect on sales. Except for those who say it doesn't. See above for my profound thought on agreement.

And those numbers have started ticking again - slowly, but they are ticking. I delight in the fact that I have found some new readers - across the globe too, as Germany chimed in with Italy and a few dozen more in the UK.

I know that others have probably posted a lot higher numbers (I've heard 2000 from some, but for longer promotions). But for me, this exceeded my expectations in a huge way. The post below is a screen cap from the day. Just to see Correction Line next to classic books in a list gave this paperboy a surreal thrill.

"That sounds wonderful, Jimmy."

"Yeah, it was, mom."

"No go finish your route."

"Awww."

Friday
Aug242012

Kinda wild

Running out of superlatives about today.

This picture pretty much captures it.

 

Friday
Aug242012

Bent Highway: Chapter Six

Fedora

 

“What kind of vehicle is that mister?”

“Never seen one of those before.”

“Says Ford on it – but not like one I ever saw.”

They took turns speaking and staring at first my truck, and then me. The one with the baseball bat didn’t speak. He just paced around the vehicle, or as they called it, vee-hick-kill.

“You guys on the way to some sort of show? A live play, or some weird renaissance fair thing, but out of 19—”

I stopped talking when the guy with the bat smashed out one of my headlights.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” The one with the squarest, biggest melon of a head, barely contained by a black fedora, pointed a finger at me through the open window.

“And what kind of words are those – ray nonsense?”

“You making fun of us, fella?”

He smashed out another headlight. Then the guy with the tire iron tipped his grey fedora back and swung down on my hood. I pulled the door handle and smashed all my weight against it. The lead fedora went down as I sprang out.

“Grab the son of a bitch.”

A fist swung toward me, and then a fiddle swept through the air. It clipped the side of my head and stung like hell. I felt a line of blood slide down my forehead. On reflex, I kicked out, caught somebody in the knee. I heard it crack. Whoever it was, they hit the ground with a scream. I tried a spin kick - don’t know where the hell that came from – and made contact. Tire iron guy grabbed my ankle as I spun around in mid-air. He brought the hunk of metal down on my back. He was in a bad position, so it wasn’t a full hit - damn good thing. In the midst of swearing and a rustle of bodies I was slammed against the truck, and then pinned. The end of the Louisville smashed into my guts, left me wheezing for breath. Spots of light hovered at the corner of my vision. I gasped for air, blood reached my nose and then my bottom lip. I pushed against the arms holding me, Louisville and tire-iron guy. They drove me back against the truck. It hurt like hell, but I figured if I could fight back, then they hadn’t broke anything. Yet.

Lead fedora, the black-hatted fridge head, was up and breathing heavy into my face.

“Sammy. Pop the hood on this jalopy.”

Fiddle-guy opened the truck door. He let out a whistle.

“Where the hell is it? I’ve never seen anything like it, Oh, here we go. What happens if I pull this?”

The hood popped just as another vehicle was heard coming down the highway. It was coming fast, engine revving, and we all looked up. It was another antique looking one, but some sort of sports model, roadster, I think they were called.

Things moved slow and fast at the same time.

The car fishtailed, slammed on its brakes and slid across the road. My attackers swore as gravel from the shoulder sprayed up, hit their chests and necks. A rain of pings sounded against my truck.

The man was up and out of the car, but not as quick as the dog through the window.

“What the hell?” Louisville man unpinned me and swung and missed at the beast as it leapt for his throat. 

My arm throbbed. I knew that animal.

A shotgun was racked. Black fedora man stopped in his tracks. The man in front of the roadster was tall. No, he was gi-fucking-normous. He swung the gun around and fired at one of the antique car’s tires. He pumped once, and shot out the other one’s.

He racked it one more time and swung it back at us.

Nobody said a goddamn word.

A boot slid against the gravel, sounded like an avalanche.

“Car.”

He was talking to me.

“You want me to just leave the—”

“Car.”

The dog had Louisville pinned on the ground, the bat a few feet over. Black fedora man looked back at the other two. Fiddle guy still on the ground, cradling his knee, shook his head.

“We don’t want any trouble there, big fella.”

“Good.”

“This one a friend of yours?”

The gi-normous man raised the shotgun so it was in perfect line with black fedora man, then slid it out in a small arc, pointing at each of them, dipping down to focus on the two not standing.

“Shit. He’s going to kill us, Pete.”

“Car.”

My guts ached as I walked over to the giant’s car. I went in the back door. The man walked back, keeping the shotgun trained on the four men. Once in the car, he whistled. The dog growled, bared his teeth at Louisville - though with his eyes slammed shut he might not have seen it. Then another whistle, this one lower — and the dog that looked like a wolf jumped through the window.

The driver spun a u-ball on the highway. I watched the fedoras through the back window. Nobody moved at first, then they all moved together. There were no motions towards us, nobody shook their fist and ran down the road like you might expect. They gathered around the one I kicked, helped him up, gave him his fiddle. They all dusted themselves off.

I leaned forward in the car.

“I heard your name is Walt.”

“She calls me that.”

“Listen, Walt. You wanna tell me what the fuck just happened?”

“Something that will always happen.”

“What?”

“In time.”

“I’m getting damn sick of that word.”

 

Friday
Aug242012

Up the charts

Well, if you visit woofreakinhoo, or follow me on twitter (or facebook), you know that today is my free promotion day. I should put that in all caps, but I am practicing some restraint.

I am going to blog more about this experience later (finishing up a Bent Highway excerpt for later today).

But I did want to mention something.

Um, Correction Line, the book thing - #20 the literary Amazon bestsellers (for free books).

No wait, that should be NUMBER TWENTY!!!!

Everyone quiet down now. And return to your reading.

(edit: oh, and just to say, I will be modifying this post as the day goes on.)

(okay, now really quiet down.)